I have a hard time with contentment. I think in part it has something to do with the fact my mind is always whirring and I want to be involved & participating and feeling like I am REALLY contributing.
I have 2 university degrees and years of experience putting on events, organizing groups and rallying people. At the moment, I stay at home with my kids. Yup, that’s pretty much what I do. I feel like my brain has atrophied.
Now, as many people remind me (a bit too often in my opinion) “You are doing the most important job there is” (ie, taking care of my kids) and while I agree, I still say my mind is restless.
I really don’t want to turn this into a gripe about “a day in the life of me” b/c really, how boring is that! But I’ll tell you this; I think my kids are winning!
So I think it is safe to admit, that not only do I at times feel I am not using my mind, I also fear I may be losing it!!
I feel a little trapped with my desire to be contributing to global struggles. I sit here, read the odd book, try to follow discussions and news releases online to keep myself informed. However, that voice inside of me (the evil one that I work hard to suppress most of the time) wants to ask what the point is.
The groups I see hard at work are so far away. I feel like Kevin Costner in Dances with Wolves when he is put in an outpost and finds himself all alone. At first, he keeps a tight fort, presses his uniform and polishes his shoes, always keeping himself ready for what he has been called to do. Eventually, he realizes that he is all alone and no one is coming and he starts slacking.
I find it hard to maintain a healthy level of self worth when I feel I am not contributing in a way that feels tangible to me. I am a teacher in a community that has too many teachers, hence I am unemployed because since we just moved here, I have no foothold in the hierarchy of things. So, my paperwork is all submitted and I must continue to wait until my file makes its way to the surface.
My Congolese sister is so far away and I need to remind myself that what I do, I do for her and others like her. It is not about MY search for significance or MY self worth. How North American of me, to think this journey is about ME!
There is something called Run for Congo. it was created by the author of “A Thousand Sisters” – Lisa Shannon. When she didn’t know how else to help, she started to run and eventually hosted a run to raise funds to support more sisters through Women for Women International.
Anyone want to run with me? I think my next book might be “Couch to 5K” at least if my brain atrophies, my legs won’t!